Joy Multiplier

Karen Reivich, Ph.D.

How do you respond when your child comes to you with a problem and wants to talk about it? You probably stop what you are doing, pull up a chair and listen attentively. You're likely engaged, ask questions, and offer advice. Now think about how you respond when your child comes to you with good news to share. You likely listen as you continue to prepare the meal, answer emails, play with your baby, or whatever else you were doing as you listen. Then you may say something like, "That's great, Sweetie! I'm happy for you!"

Your authentic interest in your children's concerns and problems helps them feel understood. They learn that you will be there when things go wrong. However, if you tend to respond more passively and distractedly when your children share everyday good news (a good grade in school, a cool bug in the grass, the amazing new peanut butter and catsup cookie he or she just invented), they might wonder: "Will you be there for me when things go right?"

In fact, "Will you be there for me when things go right" describes a new psychological study about the way we respond when people share good news with us.* The research shows that when people actively respond to another's good news (e.g., asking questions, sharing their enthusiasm, being engaged and focused, helping the other person to relive and savor the positive experience), both feel happier, closer, more trusting of each other, and generally more positive about the relationship.

To put it another way, when your child, spouse, or friend brings you news of joy, you can be a Joy Multiplier simply by taking a few moments to stop and be fully present with the other person. On the flip side, when someone you care about brings you news of joy and you don't give authentic interest, you are depriving yourselves of an opportunity to strengthen the bond you share. You are unintentionally being a Joy Thief!

Think about the following questions:

1. When are you a Joy Multiplier? (e.g., What times of day? With whom? With what kinds of good news?)
2. When are you a Joy Thief (e.g., What times of day? With whom? With what kinds of good news?)
3. What can you say to yourself to help you to be a Joy Multiplier more often? For me, just remembering the question, "Will you be there for me when things go right?" helps me to stay active and constructive.

You can teach your children to be Joy Multipliers by modeling an active constructive style of responding to their good news. Active means to be engaged in the conversation – not distracted and not multi-tasking while you talk. Being constructive means being positive and helping to build the positive emotion. The trick to being a Joy Multiplier is to ask questions that help your child savor the positive experience while sharing in their positive emotion. Here are some examples of what a Joy Multiplier versus a Joy Thief might say to a child’s good news.

Child: Mom, I found the coolest looking bug in the yard!

• Joy Thief: Ugh. I hate bugs. Please take that back outside!
• Joy Multiplier: Wow! That is pretty cool looking! Where did you find it? What do you think it eats? I’ve never seen so many legs on a creature

Child: I just made a great new cookie! I took a chocolate chip cookie and covered it with peanut butter and squirted ketchup on top! It tastes great!

• Joy Thief: That's nice, sweetie. Now go wash up for dinner...
• Joy Multiplier: Wow, how creative! What did it taste like? What are you going to name your new cookie?

When you hear your child respond to a friend or sibling by being a Joy Thief, encourage your child to ask a question or two about the other person’s experience. You might even say, “Let’s see if we can help your sister really enjoy her good news! What could you say or ask her that will help her to get every last drop of happiness out of that experience?” Remember, the more you practice being a Joy Multiplier, the easier it will be for you to stay in this mode with your children, spouse, and friends. And your good example will help your children learn this valuable relationship-strengthening tool that will benefit them their entire lives!

* Source: Gable, S. L., Gonzaga, G., & Strachman, A. (2006). Will you be there for me when things go right? Social Support for Positive Events. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91, 904-917.

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Resilience: The Ingredient List

The Four R's

You've probably heard of the "3 Rs": Reading, Writing, Arithmetic-a focus of education. What about the fourth R-Resilience? Resilience is the ability to bounce back from setbacks, to learn from failure, to be motivated by challenges and to believe in your own abilities to deal with the stress and difficulties in life. What you might not know is that, just like reading, writing and arithmetic, resilience can be learned. Children can learn-from their parents, teachers, and coaches-how to develop the skills of resilience, and I believe the resilience skills are as important as the other 3 R's. Why? Because every child's life will be touched by setbacks as well as achievement, pain as well as joy, loss as well as triumph. In order for children to reach their fullest potential, they need to know how to approach life with resilience. Resilience enables your child to thrive no matter what life puts in his or her path.

The Seven Ingredients of Resilience

Resilience is not all or nothing. It comes in amounts. You can be a little resilient, a lot resilient; resilient in some situations but not others. And, no matter how resilient your child is today, you can help him or her become more resilient tomorrow. Research has identified a variety of important ingredients of resilience but there are seven that we can most easily teach our children.

1. Emotion Awareness and Control

One of the myths about resilience is that resilient people tough it out without expressing emotion. They keep it all inside and are stoic in the face of adversity. This view of resilience might be common, but it's not accurate. Resilient people-adults and children-are comfortable with their feelings and they express them. In fact, resilient children experience a broad array of emotions-happiness, joy, fear, sadness. They have a good understanding of their own emotions and they feel comfortable talking about what they are feeling with people they trust. So, when a resilient child goes through a tough time, she does feel sad or scared or anxious. After all, she is human! However, there is an important difference that distinguishes the more resilient from the less resilient. Resilient children don't get "stuck" in an emotion. Although they might feel sad or scared, these feelings don't prevent them from coping with the situation and moving forward. When an emotion is too strong, so strong that it interferes with the person's ability to cope, the resilient person knows how to control her emotions so that she is able to push forward with a plan of action.

2. Impulse Control

We all have impulses to do things and say things that aren't in our best interest or helpful or kind to others. Resilience doesn't require that you stop having these impulses, but it does require you to stop yourself from acting on every impulse you have. Resilient children have internalized the "stop and think" message and use it to make choices about their actions. The good news is that impulse control can be learned. So even if your child is impulsive, you can learn some simple strategies to teach him to handle situations better.

3. Realistic Optimism

Optimism is another key ingredient of resilience. The research on optimism is clear: optimistic people are happier, healthier, more productive, have better relationships, succeed more, are better problem solvers and are less likely to become depressed than pessimistic people. My colleagues and I have been studying optimism and resilience in school-aged children for over fifteen years. We have developed programs that teach children and adolescents critical optimism and resilience skills. Our research shows that kids can learn these skills and that optimism and resilience protect children against depression and anxiety. This is critical because at any one point in time as many as 10-19% of adolescents report moderate to high level symptoms of depression. Children and adolescents with high symptoms of depression are more likely than their peers to have academic difficulty, smoke cigarettes, abuse alcohol or other drugs and attempt suicide.

You notice, however, that I describe it as "realistic optimism." This is important. Resilience is not served by denying problems when they exist, believing that you never make mistakes, and blaming others whenever things go wrong. Resilience is about seeing yourself and situations as optimistically as you can-but within the bounds of reality. Realistic optimism keeps you shooting for the stars without losing sight of the ground below.

4. Flexible Thinking

Resilient children are flexible thinkers. They view problems from several different perspectives. When a resilient child has a fight with her best friend, she is able to view the situation from the friend's perspective as well as her own. When a resilient child doesn't do well on a test, he is able to come up with a variety of factors that might have lead to the poor outcome. Why does this matter? It matters because flexible thinking increases the likelihood that you'll be able to come up with solutions to the problem you're confronting. Flexible thinking means that you'll generate a number of different ways to handle the situation so, if your first solution doesn't work, you'll have a Plan B ready.

5. Self-Efficacy

A basic ingredient in resilience is belief in one's self: self-confidence. Resilient children believe that they are effective in the world. They have learned what their strengths and weaknesses are, and they rely on their strengths to navigate the challenges in life. For one child this might mean using his sense of humor to deal with stress; for another child it might mean using her creativity to come up with new ways to handle problems. But don't confuse self-efficacy with self-esteem. Self-esteem is about feeling good about one's self and self-efficacy is about effecting change in the world. The road to resilience is through self-efficacy, not self-esteem. If your child is confident and knows how to master what life throws in his path, self-esteem will follow.

6. Empathy

Resilient children are connected with others. In fact, some of the landmark studies in resilience show that children who have at least one enduring relationship with a caring adult (a parent, a neighbor, a teacher, a coach) do well and can overcome even the most difficult hardships. Empathy is an important component of strong social relationships. Children who care about others, are interested in other people's feelings and experiences and want to help others through tough times are more likely to have strong, healthy friendships. Empathy serves resilience by facilitating strong relationships. Children who have a strong network of friends and adults who care about them have a support system that they can turn to when they need help.

7. Reaching Out

Resilient children take risks. I don't mean hurling themselves off mountain tops or riding motorcycles without helmets. I mean appropriate, horizon expanding risks. Children who are resilient don't see failure as something to be avoided. They are willing to try new things because deep down they know that by trying new things and taking risks they will learn more, achieve more, and enjoy life more. The risk taking might take the form of signing up for a hard class or talking with someone they've never met before or even just trying a new food. Their optimism fuels them and their self-efficacy gives them the confidence to try, even when that means risking failure.

Your Resilience Cupboard

Take a moment and reflect on the Seven Ingredients of Resilience. Make a list of the ingredients you have in abundance (your resilience strengths) and make a list of the resilience ingredients you are low on (your resilience weaknesses). Do the same for your child. Remember, we can all become more resilient tomorrow than we are today. You don't need to have your cupboard overflowing with each of the seven ingredients. Challenge yourself to use your resilience strengths more fully and see if you can devote some energy to increasing one of the ingredients you are low on.

For some simple strategies to help your child be more resilient, check out our tool box for:

Mastery Moments Exercises >

In Your Shoes Activity >

Colorful Things Activity >

Emotion Charades Activity >

Gotlib, I.H., Lewinsohn, P.M., & Seely, J.R. (1995). Symptoms versus a diagnosis of depression: Differences in psychosocial functioning. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, //63,/ 90-100.

Reivich, K. J., Gillham, J. E., Chaplin, T. M., & Seligman, M. E. P. (2005), From helplessness to optimism: The role of resilience in treating and preventing depression in youth. In S. Goldstein & R. Brooks (Eds.), Handbook of Resilience in Children.

Reivich, K. and Shatte, A. (2003). The Resilience Factor: 7 keys to finding your inner strength and overcoming life's hurdles. New York: Broadway Books.

Flow is the mental state in which you are fully immersed in an activity. Your focus is laser-like. You feel lost in the activity — fully absorbed in what you are doing. Time stands still. You are "in the zone." When in flow, people describe deep concentration, a sense of being in control, and that the activity itself is intrinsically rewarding. Flow is deeply satisfying and brings a feeling of joy.

Michelangelo likely felt flow when painting the Sistine Chapel. A quarterback probably feels flow when he is evading a sack or throwing a perfect spiral. I feel flow when I am teaching and writing. My son, Jacob (13), is in flow when he is doing drum performances. My daughter, Shayna (6), describes being in flow when we took a long bike ride through the mountains.

The tricky thing about flow is that you can't force it. It seems to just happen. There are, however, certain conditions that researchers point to that are critical for flow.

1. You must have a clear goal in the activity. (Jacob wants to perform the drum solo without mistakes)
2. The task must be challenging and require you to use your skills/talents fully. If the task is too simple, you will be bored. If the task is too difficult, you will be anxious. (The mountain path required Shayna to fully concentrate and use her skills but it was not so difficult that she would be unable to master the experience.)
3. The task must give immediate feedback so that you know how you are doing and can adjust your behavior accordingly. (When Shayna's bike starts to tip too far to the left, she can adjust her balance.)

People find flow in a broad range of activities: playing music, doing sports, cooking, solving problems. When are you in flow? Think about the questions below to help build your awareness of the activities that bring you to a state of flow.

• When do you lose track of time?
• What activities do you engage in that require you to use your skills and talents to the max?
• What do you do that you find rewarding in and of itself?
• What goal have you set for yourself that you find deeply gratifying when you are working toward it?

Activity for Kids — Finding Your Flow

Flow is not something you can schedule or put on your To Do list. However, there are ways that you can help your child to enjoy the experience of flow. We can help our children experience flow by working with them to identify the activities that require them to use their strengths, skills, and talents to the max. Remember, flow comes when the challenge of a situation requires us to stretch and use our abilities fully. Too much challenge leads to anxiety and feeling overwhelmed; too little leads to boredom. So the goal is to create activities that require our children to engage fully. Complete this Finding Your Flow Chart with your child. Start by making a list of the activities that your child engages in regularly. For each activity, list the skills, talents, and strengths that he uses when doing the activity. Identify when the activity is too easy and leads to boredom; when the activity is too hard and leads to frustration or feeling overwhelmed; and then identify how to make the activity challenging enough that your child has to totally invest!

My son, Aaron (13), and I completed the chart below as an example.

Once the chart is completed, encourage your child to do some of the activities identified in the Finding Flow column. Leave empty rows on the chart, so that your child can add to it when he discovers a new activity in which he feels lost in time!

Finding Your Flow