It is understandable that you are concerned about the growing media coverage in about movies based on the events of 9/11.  Because you want to protect your family, your natural inclination may be to try to shield your children from the increased media attention that the upcoming movies will attract.  Despite your best efforts, it is likely that your family will be exposed to images and messages related to 9/11 through a number of sources, such as conversations with peers, television, movie trailers, posters, the internet, and radio.  Talking with children is the best way to prepare them for what is to come.  When done in an honest and sensitive way, talking about 9/11 or other potentially frightening topics will help children feel safe and less afraid or worried.  Discussions with children should be age-appropriate and provide opportunities for children to ask questions and express their feelings.  By being proactive and preparing your children for the media attention they are likely to be exposed to, you will be taking an important step toward helping your children cope. For more detailed guidelines on how to prepare your family about upcoming movies related to 9/11, please click on the link: Preparing for Movies about 9/11: A Parent’s Guide, developed by Families Forward at NYU Child Study Center.

 

One of the most consistent findings about happiness-and this is a very important area where parents can have some influence over their kids-is that people report being happiest when they are absorbed in a challenging activity.

The state of absorption goes by many names: being in the zone, engagement, flow. It doesn't matter what the activity is as long as it takes skill and concentration-tennis, composing music, reading to a child. People in the zone say that they lose themselves completely in what they're doing.

I have seen parents who were immersed in the world and they communicated through their actions that this kind of engagement was exciting and worthwhile. The greatest truism of parenting is that children learn what they see us do, rather than what we tell them to do.

In some cases it requires commitment, nagging, and close supervision in helping them become competent at a sport or skill such as music or dancing. At other times, it requires just getting out of their way to let them master a task on their own and develop self-efficacy. Because parents do so much for their children today, many are robbed of the chance.

Healthy self-esteem in a child depends on the belief that she can accomplish important tasks "by myself." Parents must, of course, be sensitive to being both over involved and underinvolved. Children need to be encouraged to do activities that are challenging but not too challenging. We enjoy being able to do things well.

• Give boys permission to have an internal life, approval for the full range of human emotions, and help in developing an emotional vocabulary so that they better understand themselves and communicate more effectively with others.
• Recognize and accept the high activity level of boys and give them safe places to express it.
• Talk to boys in their language - in a way that honors their pride and their masculinity. Be direct with them; use them as consultants and problem solvers.
• Teach boys that emotional courage is courage, and that courage and empathy are the sources of real strength in life.
• Use discipline to build character and conscience, not enemies.
• Teach boys that there are many ways to be a man. - there are many ways to be brave, to be loving and strong and successful. Celebrate their natural creativity and risk taking, their energy, and their boldness. Praise the artist and the entertainer, the missionary and the athlete, the soldier and the male nurse, the teacher and the CEO. Acknowledge their many abilities and offerings.

 

Good discipline contains a boy and his energy, providing the sense of physical and emotional security he needs in order to learn the larger lessons of self-control and moral behavior. Good discipline is consistent; it provides clear and well-reasoned expectations and firm, compassionate guidance by adults who model the same standards and behavior in their daily interactions with a child and with others. Good discipline engages a child, encourages contact instead of isolation, draws him into discussion instead of sending him away. It involves the boy as a consultant, showing respect for his experience and feelings. It may be with straightforward questions, such as "What is it you don't understand about this rule, or don't agree with?" or "What do you need in order to change this pattern of behavior?" A parent may simply take into account a boy's individual personality or temperament to tailor a disciplinary response for the best fit.

Printed with permission from Dan Kindlon, Ph.D., best selling author and Co-Author of Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys and Too Much of a Good Thing.