March 2, 2005

Sandra Juriga, Ph.D. of NYU Child Study Center, Families Forward Program addresses the challenge of differentiating what is normal acting up for teens versus what a parent should be more concerned about.

Teenagers have a preferred excuse for not complying with mom's request: "I'm busy." They are in part right. Adolescence is a demanding stage in the game of life. Think of all they must accomplish: schoolwork, responsibilities at home, college applications, sometimes a job and on and on. Couple this with remarkable physical and psychological changes, and the result is one harried kid and one mom at wits end. Despite this, it's our job to keep teens from veering too far off track.

Following the attacks of 9/11, many families found themselves having to assume too many tasks and rearranging household responsibilities. For teens, this might have meant having to pitch in a little more or maybe, getting a little more leeway when they weren't doing as well as before. Some adolescents necessarily became resourceful and may have even become one of those kids you read about: volunteering, mentoring younger kids, succeeding beyond odds. Other kids have had a tougher time.

It can be very challenging to differentiate what is normal acting up for teens versus what a parent should be more concerned about. Parents worry that what they might dismiss as a 'stage' or 'phase', will actually turn into something major. Teens having disagreements with their mom or dad is pretty typical and you would be hard pressed to find a healthy adolescent who didn't stick his neck out in an occasional statement of defiance. This is the job of adolescence: to begin to figure out 'Who am I?'. In figuring this out, teens will naturally test their parent's limits and try out new roles.

Coming to the beginnings of an answer means being able to go back and forth between the world of adults and the world of children. Adolescents are beginning to have interests similar to adults and to be able to think like adults-but not all the time. They are also more able to experience their feelings and articulate them effectively-but not always. Parents know all too well what happens when kids are stressed beyond their cognitive or psychological capacities. Kids lose their cool, blow their tops, and still expect their parent to be their usual supportive, understanding, cool-headed self (sounds like you, right?).

What do we know about what makes teenagers Resilient to the incredible challenges they are faced with? Resilience is a person's ability to bounce back after difficult experiences. There are the individual factors connected with resilience like the child's personality. Children who are friendly and have easygoing temperaments tend to be better able to bounce back. Teens also need to feel that they can accomplish things, that they can be successful at figuring out problems. They need to feel like they can control some aspect of their life and be able to express when they are feeling badly. Just like we all do, teens need to understand what is going on in their world and that they are safe.

There are lots of things that families do that help with Resilience. Talk to your teen! You must have heard this a gazillion times before. Don't just have 'the talk' have lots and lots of them. Let your adolescent know how you feel, what your politics are, what your family's moral and religious beliefs are. A conversation isn't imposing your will over your child's, it's letting your teen know that she or he is so important to you, you want to share the world with her/him. Let your kid know that you still have rules and expectations, that's what good mom's and dad's do-that's your job. Teenagers with families who show this much interest in them do better, they become more resilient.

Also, encourage your teenager to get involved with friends and their community. Having a confidant, either an adult or peer that your teen trusts, can be very helpful. Encourage your teenager to participate in pro-social organizations, such as volunteering. Communicate with the high school and teachers and ensure that they are providing your aspiring youngster with encouragement and guidance. Kids of all ages need to feel that they have routines, activities and more importantly, that they belong to something meaningful.

Above all, when thinking about doing what's right by your kids, make sure you don't forget to do what's right by you. Ever hear about the woodsman who wouldn't take a break to sharpen his dull, ineffective saw? Not taking care of yourself is just as foolish. Taking care of yourself means making sure you are taking care of your basic needs: food, sleep, health. It also means looking out for your emotional health. Continuing to pursue your interests and being engaged with other adults is crucial to your own well-being. A resilient dad or mom shows their teen how to be resilient.

Sometimes no matter what we try, our kids begin to veer off the path, lingering too near to the dangerous precipice. There are some warning signs that might indicate you may need to get additional 'grown-ups' to help you. Experiencing negative emotions for longer than two weeks and not being able to shake them, might be an indication that your teen is suffering from depression. You can also look out for other signs such as a significant change in appetite or weight, difficulty concentrating, or changes in sleep patterns. If your teen is showing you that he or she feels very anxious, is unable to be alone, or even refuses to go to school, you may want to find someone to talk this over with. Some difficulties are more obvious and all parents would think to seek help. These might include dangerous behaviors such as an increase in aggression, substance use, or promiscuity.

There are lots of places parents get help and hopefully, you are aware of these and they are available to you. Family and friends form natural support groups. Of course, more formal parenting groups can be beneficial as well. You may be the bookish type who prefers to research, and there are many resources including books and websites available for this. Clergy can be a wonderful resource for families struggling with conflicts. The family physician can also be a good starting point for questions about adolescent health and for referrals to other professionals. Psychologists are especially trained to help families and teenagers when they are faced with crisis. Treatment can include individual sessions for the teen or the parent, family treatment or group treatment. One of the treatments, cognitive-behavioral therapy has proven to be one of the most effective approaches in helping with problems.